apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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