She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
