Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
