i already hear my dad disowning me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
