Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
