i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She's JV to your varsity
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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