for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
