We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
