her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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