Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
false alarm, still single
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