if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I love having hate sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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