I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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