so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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