considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
