I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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