Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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