I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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