what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
