Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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