yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
