Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
