I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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