I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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