i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
