I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
