You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize