She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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