I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
