I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize