okay pat passed out under dana's car
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
