I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
