Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
