It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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