dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
