i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
