Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
