All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
