my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
