that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
