seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize