So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
