drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's shark week go big or go home
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize