There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
