The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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