got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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