So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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