If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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