You're my little dorito
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
