Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
