are you still at the devil's house?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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