please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
