If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
