i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
