Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
