Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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