Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
